With one more year on the lake expired, I have reflected and decided that my driving has come a long long way, but it hasn’t all been pleasant and easy. I’ve embarrassed myself more than my share, which is part of learning of course… but all dedicated drivers are egomaniacs that don’t take to a solid humbling very well.
Lesson 1: Chill.
If the car isn’t doing what you want it to do. Don’t punish it by trying harder Give it some gentle loving. Ease off. Take your hands out of her pants and start massaging her back instead. You might think you’re ready to throw her on her back, but she’s going to knee you in the crotch and call the cops if you go any further.
Lesson 2: Chill The F* Out.
Yah there is this dude in your passenger seat who will give you umbrella girls if your maximum attack impresses, but what he’s really looking for is a good laugh when you push three inches wide, catch a huge bump in transition, try and save yourself with throttle and pile head on into a snow bank removing every urethane body panel from your car all at once,causing your drift wood to spontaneously combust before being extinguished by a mixture of snow, coolant and washer fluid, while creating an odour that suggests you also emptied your bowels. Longest sentence ever… but what follows will be an even longer night of tossing and turning. You swear that the same thing will never happen to you again… except it does… and the next time you’re driving one of his cars, not yours.
Lesson 3: You Stone Cold Beatnik Bad Ass.
This is where you win without even trying… to win. With ice in your veins, every input is deliberate, direct, minimalized. Your cold hard stare fixates exactly where you are going, and to the inch you get there. Every effort is calm and restrained. The beast inside you is in iron bars, his imagination of what is possible is focused only specific moments and not the entire drive. With him buried deep, every input input feels natural, every corner and induction of angle comes easy…
And you’ve been such a hoon until now that everyone assumes you win with hot-blooded effort. They ramp up their own with a driving fever they think will match yours, and instead spell their own demise. You rip off your review mirror. Your not an egomaniac driver anymore. There will never be need to look behind again.
Ooh — I love lesson number 3, especially on the ice. The only downside to that style is that you can under-drive without really noticing. Or the beast gets loose 🙂
rips off rearview mirror. THROW IT TO THE GROUND.
wait a minute, i still need this for diaper runs to co-op. *pick up mirror without friends watching*